After this I was looking to get to a Starbucks where I could use a solid internet connection. The Starbucks I planned on going to was closed. Then to Hollywood’s Cafe Muse. Closed. The one thing I wanted to complete all day long was a post and my website which I have yet to work on again. Deadlines!
Patience and Understanding. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to put the post out there. Maybe I was supposed to go to the apartment, which I had been avoiding, and finish writing it first and then send it? That’s what I did.
Eventually, just before/at midnight I made it to the first party I was invited to by “The Songstress.” As I walked into the door I heard “Happy New Year!”
Caught in the doorway alone. I was afraid of mistletoe midnight. A relief.
It was nice to see friendly faces but I could have been alone some place I felt comfortable – the beach or my car. I was thankful, but at this point nothing could top the feeling I just had. I was with what The Songstress called “The Bourgeouis.” Sounds nice, with suits, bow ties, sparkly New Years hats, and streamers to keep up appearances. I was in a blue dress shirt covered by one of my, what I call, “Bill Cosby” sweaters – given to me by my Father, blue jeans, and dress shoes. I know how to dress things up! I was on an Earthy it’s just a new day I wanna stay warm and comfortable kinda vibe because I really don’t want to be anywhere right now but I am here keep me warm. Just a bit insecure.
As I recall, I had already eaten more: the rest of the broccoli, white corn, chicken andouille sausage, and carrots before I left because I was hungry for something else – substance; protein. I like to eat but I can’t put a name to every craving I have. I usually make a sound describing the fullness and shape of what I want to be filled with. Then I may see the color and find a taste or flavor.
Sugar is always an option so I hold off on with sugar until I’ve eaten healthy meals in my day. Okay. I try! These days, natural sugar is what I am interested in. Apple!
While at this party, I was alone, trying not to follow The Songstress everywhere and reintroduce myself to people I met before. Meeting new people and being in large crowds is always difficult for me. At 6’3” I feel like all eyes are on me, I don’t want to offend anyone, or sound stupid, and if there were a gun in the room I’d be the last one to hit the floor – but oh can I play dead so well!
So, after a small glass of champagne, first drink of the New Year! I found cheese and Ritz crackers. LOVE cheese and crackers! Especially Brie. At this cheese table was Yellow Tail Merlot. How convenient. I poured half a glass, got a bottle of water, along with more cheese and crackers! Walked around a bit. Still feeling alone. A sip of wine – done! Certainly, didn’t need it. The choice had been made before I poured the glass, “This was to be a glass for show.” I had water and cheese and crackers; the water was all I needed. Cheese and crackers (and the wine) were to fill the void, the loss of connection – warm gooey feeling that’s satisfying to the taste. Sometimes being in a crowd reminds me of how alone I actually feel and I don’t embrace that with confidence. You would never know unless I wrote a blog about it or something.
On a covert mission, I placed the half empty wine glass on a table in another room so I could carry the water and secretly finish the crackers. Crumbs were on my face, and I didn’t want to stare in the mirror at myself appearing vain, nor did I want to be in the crowd with crumbs on my face – I was spinning trying to escape while wiping my nose. Was it a booger?!
“Find a corner.”
“Food!” I picked up two small plates of chicken and vegetable lasagna, which led to a corn tortilla and chicken, which led to two surprisingly spicy fudge bars (1” x 1/2”), 6 squares of Nestle Espresso chocolate, and the most delicious pecan cake melt in your mouth I have to go now and it’s ok I don’t remember or know your name but you are trouble.
In the car at 12:54AM January 1st. I wasn’t upset with myself, I allowed myself to have a celebration. I would feel it later. My fast was about self-discipline, clarity, and awareness of my habits, not a punishment. It was easier to have the conversation with myself as to why I was craving certain things which developed into understanding patterns throughout my life.
Suddenly, I remembered that there were two other parties I was invited to attend by “Godess with Us” and “Blue Shadow.” Two people with similar short-term goals that I have begun to build a closer connection to.