I Know of it. I have Faith in it. But, I don’t Believe it.
“I don’t Believe it.”
Maybe this is a pattern which is destructive. When one has been dreaming for so long, praying, wishing, chasing an idea, that when it actually embraces us its presence is denied existence in our reality because _______________?
For example: “I see people who say they are in love. I have faith that that special someone is out there. There is someone right next to me and I question if this is love.”
We could break this complex issue of Love down even more:
- I Know of it: I know because I have observed it as it has been described to me. This is a kind of love (Parent/Child, Mentor/Mentee, Doctor/Paycheck, Romantic Partnership) performed by an action or display (Sex, Conversation, Cuddling, Purchase) resulting in an outcome.
- I have Faith in it: Because I know of it, I hope that it is true for me too. Faith throws all the variables at you making Love a thing harder to grasp. In order to get what you want you have to be really specific about what that thing/quality is, then who/what kind of person you want to share that with. You’ve got to cast the net so it’s just wide enough to have options yet narrow enough that you’re not taking “anyone” in.
- Believe: “How do you know they’re the “right one?” If your net was narrow you could’ve missed out on so many right ones because you were too hard and closed off. If your net was too large, you may have exhausted yourself in this tiresome game of catch. And still, if your net was somewhere in the middle, and the netting was made with a particular shape that repelled and kept what you were looking for, you may have missed your match. Where is the satisfaction in this?
Love is something that has been in conversation and meditation lately. It is fascinating because of the many forms and variations of it which are based on a person’s conditioning. Like a scientist I live to challenge myself and my own beliefs because what doesn’t serve you will eventually fall when you’re moving towards Enlightenment.
“If you don’t believe in something, you’ll fall for anything.”
To believe a thing is to have absolute certainty; very little (unnoticeable) room for doubt. How can you be so sure? We resort back to Faith or Predestination. Right?
“What is meant will be. I give it all to you. Take the wheel.”
I believe and know it to be true is that it is the “now” that answers all questions – at least in this moment. What else do I have? Walking into that room to rehearse. Waking up next to her still holding hands. Walking out of the office handcuffed to a briefcase holding six million dollars. The ride home after adopting a new baby girl with your partner.
I haven’t really mentioned “feelings or emotions” because I’m not sure what to do with them always, but they are important! Logic gets in the way, but I do have feelings and I alone have to decipher what all the sensations mean to me and if the risk is the means to the desired outcome (Desire = Faith. Uh oh.).
“How do I know what I want without knowing what I don’t want?”
Saturday I woke up with The Parable of the Lost Son (The Prodigal Son) on my mind (Luke 15:11-32). Once, while in Los Angeles, I read the whole parable and burst into tears because it hit home on many levels. A son goes away and has many experiences he wouldn’t wish to tell his family about. Through the rumor mill it is told that he has lived a wild and extravagant life and even purchased prostitutes. When he is at his last, exhausted and penniless in the midst of a famine, he decides to return home, confess his sins, and be a servant at his house. On his journey home, his father sees and runs to his son to hug and kiss him. Before his son can even open his mouth, his father welcomes him home and calls the servants to bring him a robe and sandals as well as instruct them to kill the fatted calf so that they may celebrate; his son has returned home.
This first part of this parable alone presents three meanings to me:
- Literal – A son returns home to his father.
- Religious – A son (child of God) returns to God and his belief/following/faith in Jesus.
- Spiritually – A man returns/arrives to himself.
All three versions exemplify a message of forgiveness, redemption, and an understanding so basic: Life is a journey with fortune and misfortune and it is not our place to judge another person’s journey or even our own, but to show love and seek light.
“Life is like the tide.”
Returning to the parable:
The eldest son is upset because he stayed at home and worked hard for his father, “never disobeyed” him, and not once did he receive such a gift of celebration. The many times I have felt like that. I am working as hard as I possibly can, with very little, and I’m watching my friends breakthrough and have opportunities that I feel like I deserve because I perceive I’m working harder than they are and following the rules! “When is it gonna be my turn?!” When I was in church at H.O.P.E.’s HOUSE, the question, “Why did the eldest follow the rules so strictly,” was asked. Is it because he truly believed in the rules? What was his intention? He knew that he had inheritance from his father, and his father told him to calm down and celebrate the return of his brother who was once lost and is now found. This brother, like may of us, lived by IFF:
“If and Only If” I do this will I receive this.
But it doesn’t work like that. I ask for an orange I get an apple. Maybe there is a reason I need this apple that I cannot see in this moment. Maybe I don’t need this apple, but it is a choice presented to me and I can respond as such. Which direction is the light? What lesson can I learn?
Sunday in church we spoke of “Letting go of the need for control.” With my thoughts Saturday morning, how ironic. Or is it divine intervention?
“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon, in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you – you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows you need them. But seek His kingdom, and these will be given to you.” – (Luke 12:27-31)
Reading this passage it is clear to me that there is a contradiction: “Seek His kingdom, and these will be given to you.” If I am holding on to this idea of His kingdom, how am I to let go? The beauty of this is that it makes you seriously question what His kingdom would look like and how would you know if you are heading in its direction for certain? How will you know you are “there?”
This passage gives you a Purpose (End Worry), Intention (Seek His kingdom), and Outcome (Receive these Things). Nirvana is that you find that you have had these “things” all along and that your perception was based in outside approval and on comparisons. Therefore, the kingdom is within us and our world is shaped by our perspective which affects our interactions with the world?
“Created in His image.” No?
Was this possibly the experience the disciples had during their journeys from house to house? I would like to know that they realized they were enough as they stood and had everything they needed and believed it. Of course we are shaped and molded by circumstances and we have doubt, but it seems that it is ultimately our Faith, our Perspective, our Choice to keep our head above water and keep moving in the direction we are called – sometimes pushed. We will come home.
Having questions and doubt is normal and yet there still there must be a balance. When you are there at your desired destination (you booked that show that is a game changer, you got that promotion, you are standing at the alter with the love of your life) and you’re chasing your tail looking for answers as to how you came to be here, wondering if you’re worthy and deserving of the place you stand and company you are surrounded by, you’re wasting energy and precious time. Stand still! Be there in the moment before you pass it by or it fades away. Seek to acknowledge the blessing and find appreciation for the chance to wake up today so that you may do the same everyday. Allow the blessings to flow.
If you were a plant, which direction would you grow? Is being a seed comfortable?