Sometimes I imagine falling under an anvil. Arguing with it about who will hit the ground first. Meanwhile, knowing that if I just move from under it by focusing on what I want, I will be fine. I’m not even falling!
There were things I strived for and had a perfected image of what it would look like at the finish line. In the end, they looked nothing like I imagined or weren’t completed at all. It’s not easy, and why should it be? Valuable lessons were presented which taught me things I wouldn’t know if I hadn’t taken a risk. Because of it, I know what doesn’t serve me and if I really want it or not. Learning is a process.
Living in the “empty room” where you remind yourself what you don’t have and how bad it is is easy. Don’t lose sight of the good you already have and the good there is to be filled with. Name what you want and don’t judge it or your ability to attain it. What do you want? Imagine holding it in the palms of your hands. It is in your hands. See it. Believe it. How does it make you feel? Those feelings will intuitively guide you toward the thing you seek. How and Why are not as important as What. I don’t want to promote arrogance or the ego, but self-confidence and faith.
This summer was blissful. I find it difficult to recall each moment that made it pleasant. Overall, I believe I let go of the need for control and embraced fear which I was eventually able to laugh in the face of. I have come so far and still have distances to go. I surrounded myself with positive people who were striving towards something better and were supportive of one another. I realized and owned my strengths, and sought to work through my weaknesses. I kept sight of the goals I had and made a conscious effort to move towards them each day. I was creating space by acknowledging my current circumstance(s), praying, and with determination and perseverance moving towards what I wanted. I also gave myself a huge break by allowing room to fail so that I may grow. This was exciting! I wasn’t fighting life anymore!
I worked to develop a collective of artists interested in interdisciplinary collaboration. Challenging and exhausting at times, but successful. I spent time writing short stories, poems, and doodled on newsprint paper. Enjoyed hours alone improvising in the studio without any particular goal except to move, explore, and release. I had some beautiful moments working in the studio with groups of artists. Reading also became my favorite time of the day and I felt less shame about being financially unstable. Dialogues were started about The (World) History of Cotton, and anything else my friends and I wanted to talk about. I got out and saw new work by friends and was offered complimentary tickets to a few pricy shows. There were shows I even paid for when I was close to zero. I was doing what made me closer to what I have faith in. I created a balance between my circumstance and my aspirations.
I was hired for a new job – a dream job! On the next level, as exciting as it is, the fear of failure seems unsurmountable and I do not know how to let go fast enough. I’m “fear-gripping.” I’m unsure of what is coming next. I don’t have complete control, so I freak out and insecurities run a muck, and all that I have learned is dormant. I get stuck in my head. If there’s one thing I learned is to meet myself where I’m at. Don’t should myself out of experiencing life as it is happening. Stay present and calm. Step by step. I am.
The urge to drop everything and run at full speed, in any direction, has been coming over me. I always stop myself and say, “But I’ve got this bag with all this stuff,” “What are you afraid of?,” or “Just calm down.” Soon, I will just go and see where it leads me. Maybe this is the message in itself: Run! You will be okay. I will guide you. Also, it’s been a while since I’ve improvised. Perhaps I need this spontaneity.
A few weeks ago, a friend introduced me to Hillsong UNITED – Oceans (Where Feet May Fail). Besides it being a great song, I’ve found it a useful reminder to relax, be open, and creative. I’ve also started listening to Tibetan Monk Chanting on Pandora, lighting a candle, and meditating. There have also been endless free-writes and poems laid to paper.
The biggest fear I have ever had: being Homeless. I was close. But a door was always open, a blanket there, and food in my stomach. Even when I couldn’t afford it or my Food Stamps were cut off. Having “nothing” taught me a lot about how to create what I need. It taught me about what I had. I had every tool I needed to do it and it was possible as long as I had the Faith to carry on.
Home is not an erected structure outside of yourself. I can’t quite describe what it is, but I know it’s inside of me. When tended to it is firm, yet flexible; spacious, yet tiny; beaming with light; full of the world; loving; wise; creative; un-shakeable. I access it when I am creative. I must remind myself that every step I take, every breath I’m allowed, I play a large part in creating this Home.
I still have a question: When you’re in the midst of it and you can’t drop it, can’t even throw it past your nose, what do you do? What’s your solution? It’s those micro-moments I have trouble with.