The last month I’ve fallen off my workout routine. I am coming to terms with it faster and more positive than times before. The body has its way of talking to you and telling you things you need to know but don’t want to hear.
Ten years ago during winter break I fell snowboarding for the first time. After I returned to school, there were mornings I woke up and there were tingling sensations in my right leg. For a while I went on thinking it would disappear. I noticed my movement was becoming limited from back pain. Away from home in college without insurance, the doctor was the last thing I wanted to see. I knew it would be expensive and I did not want confirmation that something was seriously wrong. After showing up late for a few morning classes, I could not take it any more. I was scared I was becoming cripple and that was depressing.
I got an MRI using my credit card to learn I had a bulging disc in my Lumbar Spine, a pinched nerve, and my hips were out of alignment. I did a few sessions of Physical Therapy. Years later, the pain still comes back, and often it is manageable.
The fear of not being able to move as I once did, or that something is impeding my movement leaving me confined to this body is something I have yet to conquer. My body is my livelihood. I want to reach the full potential of my physicality. I cringe to imagine myself a Black American and Cripple. Is my imagination strong is enough? It is an imagination.
I would like to exercise a positive attitude during these moments of physical pain. There were moments I find my flow through it. But taking new direction or having to respond to new circumstances I found my rigidity: I could be an asshole; unable to be agile. I was willing to do anything, within reason, but I was not willing to admit I was in pain for fear that I would lose everything. I had to admit I was weak and that meant I could be replaced. Picking the wrong fight. Fighting?
How often have you forgone mentioning that someone has deeply hurt your feelings in order to save face and stay in The Crowd? The truth eventually bursts through showing its disembodied behaviors. You either still have a relationship or not. Afterwards you may wish that you had just spoken what was on your mind to begin clearing the air. Or removed yourself from the situation. It takes practice to not lose your head when you are discussing feelings. I get the sense that feelings – the way we perceive information has little to no space for discussion unless in a prescribed way. We are all coexisting at different stages of growth in multiple areas of our life. For a person who has suppressed feelings and thoughts it takes practice to identify habits and re-educate their communication skills as desired. I discuss it to my self first to pinpoint what emotion I am feeling and why. I admit there are times when discussing it with my self does not help. Fear often receives many tallies on my list. I find a solution to address it objectively. Then I decide how to confront it.
Everyone is not going to respect your desires, especially when they do not know what they are.
When I had to roll out of bed to my knees to then stand, and after I had done all the exercises I learned in physical therapy, I went into a shell. How could I continue to create this new work when I am in such pain? How could I continue to give demonstrations of my business if I can’t move? How will I survive?
This physical pain was not the only thing going on in my life, and it was inhibiting my ability to continue moving forward positively. I literally could not run away from the mental stress because of the physical limitations. When you feel your back is up against the wall and the decisions and actions you make presently affect your future, being injured is frightening. Plans I made, goals I set, were passing by on the calendar and I did not know how I was going to achieve the success I desired.
Through contact-improv I began to grasp that the body and the mind have conversation. My body reminded me that I am Human. Your body will tell you what it needs. If you are not listening carefully, it will move you towards it to make sure you hear it. My Body said “Rest. Acknowledge the pain, breathe, remember your intention, and communicate.” Simple.
I have had time to refocus and reorganize my plans of action. I have taken the time to listen and calm my mind; to reach out a firm hand towards my intention, identify subconscious fears to swat away, and real fears to deal with. Work on the things you need and build from the core out. I need to stretch more than I did and continue to work on strengthening the muscles in my lower back and core.